On Contentment

The last year of my life has, without a doubt, been crazy.

I think I have traveled so much and never stopped moving because I have never found a place of contentment.

All of that changed this semester.  At the end of it, I was completely happy at school, with my friends, absolutely loving the life that God had given me.  Then, it was ripped out from under me as Christmas break arrived.

I went home, not really sure what to expect.  My family and friends there, however, made it the absolute best time I have ever had in Lexington.  With long nights, rekindled friendships, new acquaintances, the return of my very best friend, and some surprise visitors, I loved being at home.  That, too, was ripped out from under me by Costa Rica.

Ever time I have traveled, I have been so eager to leave, to explore, to find something new.  This time, I had everything that I wanted, but I couldn't stay.

That led me to the understanding that contentment should never be based on your surroundings, but rather that it is something internal, independent of external circumstances.

I asked myself, "What is it exactly that I am seeking to be content with?"

The obvious answer was, "My life."

Which led to the next question"  "Of what is my life composed?"

Some deep thinking has enabled me to see that my life travels with me.  It's the memories that I have, the beliefs I posses, the chances that I take, and the relationships that I form.

I have a life at school, one at home, one here in Costa Rica.  I had one in Jordan; I had one in Mexico, in D.C., at camp.  And the important thing is that I was content with each one in that time.

I have found most of all that my life travels with me, and with that, I am very content.

On Running Away

The following blog post was written on August 7, 2011:

A chapter of this blog is in the process of closing.  Although there are some stories yet to come, my time in Jordan has ended.  Undoubtedly, this is a period of my life that I will never forget.  On the flip side, it’s a period of my life of which I didn’t take full advantage, and I’m sad to say that it took until my last day here to realize it. 

Prior to leaving for Amman, I was struggling physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I looked to my time in Jordan as a sort of release, a period where I could flesh these things out away from family, away from friends.  I looked at it as a time where I would uncover a lot of things about myself.  To be cliché, I wanted to use the time to find myself. 

Looking back over the trip, some of this was accomplished and some of it was not.  Did I utilize my trip as a release?  Yes.  But not a release in which I revealed deep-rooted truths.  Instead, I used it as a time in which I could tuck and run from the problems that were facing me.  With the time difference, the lack of internet, the new faces, the new challenges, this was all very easy to do.  In fact, I often forgot that certain problems existed at all.  Goal accomplished?  NO.

Tomorrow, I’ll be returning home, and I’m interested to see how things go.  Will my struggles be awaiting me at the airport with open arms or will they too have taken a sweet vacation?  Guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

I tell you all of this not in order to be dramatic, not to seem like I didn’t enjoy Jordan, but to warn you so that you don’t lose time.  I’m well aware that I’m going to face the same old issues at some point, probably sooner rather than later.  I only wish that I could have dealt with them here and not there. 

It’s time to stop running.  There is no where else to go.  America, I’m coming home.  Ready or not.  

What I Miss About Camp

Allow me to take a break from the Jordanian adventure.

I've been torturing myself lately by spending what probably amounts to several hours of creeping through videos and photos of Centrikid 2011.  

As you are well aware, I chose to spend my summer just a little bit differently than last summer.  Although I don't regret the decision at all, a lot of my heart is rooted in Centrikid, and I do miss it so much more than I thought I would.  In honor of that hole that exists in my heart, I'll now be listing a few of those things that I miss.

Here's to nastalgia.

1.  Van Rides.  Travel is one of my most favorite things, and it becomes so much more exciting when done with amazing people.  It is for this reason that I miss riding in a van with twenty of my closest friends.  Whether it was singing, dancing, asking "What's one thing I don't know about you," breaking down,  van rides were always a good time, and we were able to bond so much during them.

2.  Dance Parties.  My team was composed of some of the best dancers that this world has ever seen.  Anytime that a song was on, you could bet that someone was busting a move.  Parking lots, restaurants, Walmart, everyone saw us, and we had no shame.  Why?  Because we.were.legit.

3.  Mexican Sundays.  Every single Sunday of camp, we went out for Mexican food.  Again, favorite food, favorite people.  What else does a person need?

4.  Matching.  Typically, I hate matching anyone else, but wearing the same thing as twenty other people makes you feel really connected.  Not to mention that everyday was composed of athletic shorts and a t-shirt.  Did this style put me in a horrible, never ending rut when I got back to school?  Yes.  My friends chose to name my new style "Camp-Chic."  I embrace it.

5.  Snapple Word of the Day.  For some reason, our team was obsessed with Snapple.  As a result, during every team meeting, we had a special time for the Snapple Word of the Day.  So much useless knowledge was gained.

6.  Snow Cones.  Loved making them, loved eating them. 

7.  Cuddle Puddles. Who doesn't love a good cuddle puddle?  In fact, we loved them so much that several of us chose to spend the last four weeks sleeping on a palate on the floor.  Normal.

8.  Taking Five Minute Showers.  Now, I know that this doesn't seem like a positive aspect, but it just comes with the territory.  When you don't even have time to enjoy a good shower, you know you're at camp.

9.  Running Through Walmart.  Walmart trips were a glorified scavenger hunt.  Budgeting, secret encourager gifts, necessities.  Get it all and get it quick.

10.  Skycroft.  I think I speak for my whole team when I say that when I think of camp 2010, I think of Skycroft Conference Center.  It was home.  The Lord did AMAZING things there.  I met many of my best friends there.  Skycroft holds a special place in my heart and will do so forever.  Skunk hunting can be included in this category.  Favorite pastime, especially at 2 am after I had talked myself awake during the night.

11.  Watermelon.  My team fancied the watermelon over all other fruits.  We had it almost daily.  

12.  Signing Autographs.  Makes you feel like a celebrity, even if only for a minute.  I'll never forget one kid in my Bible Study who came up to me literally weeping because he had to leave.  I remember my camp counselors from when I was a kid.  It's so weird to think that some kid remembers me in that same way.

13.  Silly Bands.  I worked camp during the era of the silly band.  As a result, I received fifty over the summer.  I wore them until probably March to remind me of what God did and continues to do.

14.  Secret Encouraging.  Each person on our team had a secret encourager who was supposed to surprise them with gifts, mail, notes, etc.  This was awesome because our team was full of baller gift givers.  People cried.  It was amazing.

15.  Sour Patch Kids.  Just another one of team's vices.  

16.  Rec Crew.  We had to get up about 30 minutes earlier than everyone else and set up rec everyday.  Although it was often a pain, we had a lot of fun together.

On to the serious stuff.

17.  Schedule.  Every minute of camp is scheduled.  Real life just isn't like that.  Now, while I do enjoy the freedom, there's just something about a schedule life that leads to peace.

18.  Worship.  Worshiping God when you are absolutely exhausted is one of the most incredible feelings in the world.  Giving everything you have allows the Father to provide.  The rest one experiences from giving all to the Lord is surreal. 

19.  Kids.  The kids that come to camp are there for a reason.  They come to experience the Lord, but they also come to teach the staff.  I learned so much from the kids who would share their lives with me.  I know that I poured into them, but I'm also certain and thankful that they were able to pour into me.

20.  Discipleship.  My team wasn't only full of best friends, but it was also full of disciplers.  We all taught and were taught throughout the summer.  Whether being lifted up in prayer, rebuked for wrong attitudes, or encouraged to keep pushing, those people were the definition of what it means to disciple.  

21.  Validation.  The adults that come to came serve such an awesome purpose.  They are so good at building up the staff and taking care of us just like a family.  Hearing their thankfulness that we loved their kids gave me the support that I needed to keep going.  Adult leaders were so good to our team.  We couldn't have done it without them.

22.  Accomplishment.  All summer, I knew that I was where God wanted me, and I knew that I was diligently working for His kingdom.  Although I am still trying that, it isn't as a clear now.  God used me to impact the lives of these kids in ways that they will never forget.  That's what I miss more than anything.

23.  Team.  I can't say enough how amazing my team was.  I'd do anything for any one of them, and I know that they feel the same.  Those twenty people will always be my family.  I think of them everyday and am constantly reminded of the lessons that I learned from them.  Never have I ever met people like them.  

One conversation that I remember from camp concluded with the idea that camp was the closest that a human can get to being in Heaven.  I think that is the most accurate description that can be given.  I could go on for hours about the things that I miss from camp, but I think I'll leave it for now.  

I pray daily for all of you who are working camp right now, and I know that you'll feel all of this as soon as August hits.  Woof.

  

Exposure

Let's skip the charades.  You're seeing right through me anyway.

Can we just speak plain?  We're playing for the same team.
But I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong.
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong. - "Skip the Charades" by Cold War Kids

Lately, I have been irritable, ultra-sensitive, a monster.  

It often hasn't been fair and hasn't been at all properly directed.  I'm working on it.  Trying to pull through it.  

I was the wild card, you were the safe bet.

I've been broken open.

I have been broken open,

Was a perfect gentleman.

Now I'm smashing champagne, tying cans

Feel like celebrating.

It feels so strange to feel good,

And when I was the fire you were wood.

So when I was petrified,

You understood.

I have been broken open.

This was not my master plan.

I was comfortable watching from the stands.

I've been broken open.

All my edges are exposed.

I was once content alone.

Now you brought the one that I call home.

I've been broken open.  - "Broken Open" by Cold War Kids

 The original intent of this blog post was quite different.  Luckily, I was saved by having breakfast with a very dear friend of mine.  Through that chat, I uncovered a lot of deep-rooted issues that I've been successfully hiding since August.  Lesson learned: The truth will come out peacefully if you let it, or the truth will come out kicking and screaming if you don't...either way, it's coming out.

They say the hardest part of any problem is admitting that you actually have a problem.  Here it is, I admit it: I'm struggling.  Sometimes I'm lonely, insecure, upset, and I just need to be uplifted.  Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it doesn't.  

What I learned through this week, however, is that I have been seeking that uplifting from all of the wrong places.  I filled a huge void with things that slowly began to disappear.  When that happened, I expected far too much from someone who is far too small to fill what I needed.

Growth hurts, but it's generally the pain that teaches the lessons.  I know I did the right thing this summer, and though I didn't expect this or see it coming in any way, I'm just now dealing with a lot of the decisions that I made.  Relationships leave holes, scars, voids.  If they didn't, they wouldn't hurt.  As I said before, I did a great job of filling that void when I got home.  I had new relationships, new experiences, new travels, everything was so...new.  That newness eventually wore off, but I couldn't figure out what had changed so much, why I was so upset all the time.  It was because my void had emptied.  

That realization was a breakthrough for me.  Now I know that my void is empty, but I also know that the void has to be filled, and it will be in time.  This time around, I'm going to be more conscious of what fills it.  I want to fill my life with things that are solid, with things that matter, most importantly, with me and with my God.


I hope that if you have an empty void, you'll consider what you're filling it with.  


Thanks for sticking with me.      

20 Years

It's weird that I can now begin - and I do mean begin - to say that things happened "twenty years ago."


The entirety of my life can be summed up in that one statement.  Oh, how things have changed.


Twenty years ago, I was laying in a blanket, probably asleep, drooling on myself, unable to hold my head up, unable to do anything really.  Now, I sit in a Panera Bread in Washington, D.C. - technically Arlington, VA -, writing a blog on my laptop, putting off my homework, awaiting text replies on my cell phone, and indulging in the glory that is a Starbucks latte and coffee cake.


What will the next twenty years hold? 
The end of my formal education.
Getting married?
Starting a family?
Beginning a career.
Lots of travel, including that which is international.
Gaining much needed wisdom and guidance from the Lord.
Developing into an adult something.
Exploring my calling.
Adventure.

You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery. 

Enjoy it, embrace it, discard ...and proceed.  - Elizabethown.

It's the start of a new decade.  Bring it..

Cliche New Year Blog

2011 has begun, and I have gotten the privilege of spending all of it, so far, in my favorite city in America.  I have literally been doing nothing, so I've had lots of time to think about what I want the next year of my life to look like.  Now, I realize that what I want it to look like is not at all what it will be.  At the outset of 2010, I had no clue what was coming.  It was undoubtedly one of the best years of my life, one in which I changed and grew exponentially.

In 2010,

I finished my freshman year of college with one of the toughest semesters ever.

I got a dog and learned about taking responsibility for something other than myself. 

I changed a diaper for the first time.

As a result of the last two, I decided I don't know if I ever want to have a child.  

I met and spent the summer with the 20 most incredible people on the planet.

With them, I saw God work in ways that I couldn't imagine both in myself and in others.

I learned so much about relationships and what they mean for both people.  I'm still learning how to construct a healthy one.

I completed organic chemistry and decided that I wasn't meant to be a chemist at all.

I picked up political science and Spanish and determined a new career path.

I spent the semester having a blast with three of my best friends and roommates.

I learned so much from them about having a balanced life.  

I recognized that I should travel while I have the chance, and I've done it extensively throughout the north and southeast.

I ate oysters, hummus, kimchi and a host of other new foods.

I skipped classes, hung out with people over doing homework did a host of things I normally wouldn't do, and ultimately, enjoyed life for the first time.

It was an incredible year, and I know that 2011 will bring so much more.

I'm terrible at setting goals and sticking to them.  If I put them here, I'll have accountability.  Here's what I expect out of you, 2011.

I want to save $50 a month (note that I'm in college, so this is fairly significant).

I want to tithe $50 a month (see note above).

I want to find a mentor.

I want to read a book every 3 months and make at least one of these be in Spanish.

I want to set up spending spring semester of 2012 in a Hispanic country (I recognize that this is a goal really for 2012, but all of the set up will occur in 2011).

I want to run a half marathon and, at least, two 5-K's.

I want to take a trip to a new place every 3 months.

I want to blog at least twice a month.

Additionally, I desire to take initiative to gain the opportunities I desire, to learn from others as much as possible, to have lunch with people I don't normally hang out with, to learn to ask questions, to read and watch more news, and to try new foods.

Here's to you 2011.