Exposure

Let's skip the charades.  You're seeing right through me anyway.

Can we just speak plain?  We're playing for the same team.
But I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong.
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong. - "Skip the Charades" by Cold War Kids

Lately, I have been irritable, ultra-sensitive, a monster.  

It often hasn't been fair and hasn't been at all properly directed.  I'm working on it.  Trying to pull through it.  

I was the wild card, you were the safe bet.

I've been broken open.

I have been broken open,

Was a perfect gentleman.

Now I'm smashing champagne, tying cans

Feel like celebrating.

It feels so strange to feel good,

And when I was the fire you were wood.

So when I was petrified,

You understood.

I have been broken open.

This was not my master plan.

I was comfortable watching from the stands.

I've been broken open.

All my edges are exposed.

I was once content alone.

Now you brought the one that I call home.

I've been broken open.  - "Broken Open" by Cold War Kids

 The original intent of this blog post was quite different.  Luckily, I was saved by having breakfast with a very dear friend of mine.  Through that chat, I uncovered a lot of deep-rooted issues that I've been successfully hiding since August.  Lesson learned: The truth will come out peacefully if you let it, or the truth will come out kicking and screaming if you don't...either way, it's coming out.

They say the hardest part of any problem is admitting that you actually have a problem.  Here it is, I admit it: I'm struggling.  Sometimes I'm lonely, insecure, upset, and I just need to be uplifted.  Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it doesn't.  

What I learned through this week, however, is that I have been seeking that uplifting from all of the wrong places.  I filled a huge void with things that slowly began to disappear.  When that happened, I expected far too much from someone who is far too small to fill what I needed.

Growth hurts, but it's generally the pain that teaches the lessons.  I know I did the right thing this summer, and though I didn't expect this or see it coming in any way, I'm just now dealing with a lot of the decisions that I made.  Relationships leave holes, scars, voids.  If they didn't, they wouldn't hurt.  As I said before, I did a great job of filling that void when I got home.  I had new relationships, new experiences, new travels, everything was so...new.  That newness eventually wore off, but I couldn't figure out what had changed so much, why I was so upset all the time.  It was because my void had emptied.  

That realization was a breakthrough for me.  Now I know that my void is empty, but I also know that the void has to be filled, and it will be in time.  This time around, I'm going to be more conscious of what fills it.  I want to fill my life with things that are solid, with things that matter, most importantly, with me and with my God.


I hope that if you have an empty void, you'll consider what you're filling it with.  


Thanks for sticking with me.